Patterns

Hello, pattern of feeling forgotten and unloved. Come on into the library. Here's a cup of cocoa, and a big bowl of fresh popcorn. Snuggle up on the window seat. I'll get you a blanket and your favorite novel.

Hello, pattern of compulsive eating when I'm tired. Let's go for a walk in the Japanese garden together. We'll sit in the machiai for a while and let the peace fill our hearts.

5 possibly random but probably related things

• I was doing Shiva Nata in my head last night and it started turning into a flamenco dance. I may just have to try that for reals sometime. I was even feeling the swirl of skirts against my legs! In my head! Legs in my head! Brain: officially scrambled.
• I went to listen to the recording for the Art of Embarking and accidentally started the recording for the Shiva Nata sneaky snack call. I'm now glad I did.
• Pattern pattern pattern, everything's a pattern.
• I couldn't come up with a proper image for my metaphor of flow. That is, I have that great image for my stucknesses, of a leaf pushed up against a rock (although sometimes I'm wondering if I'm the rock?). But for my image of how I want the destuckified me to feel, I was really struggling. So I wonder if maybe I need something more 3 dimensional (or 4 dimensional) than a stream, perhaps flying like a bird in the air currents? Although just now I thought of a tree by the riverside. Hm. Why is that less stuck than a rock in the middle of the river? Anyway. That's still progressing at least.
• TRUST. That was the word I kept in my head while listening to the call. And EQUANIMITY is the word I'm going to try and keep in my head for the rest of today.

I had so many other thoughts and ideas and epiphanies and moments of hmm while I was listening. But I was on the exercise bike and I didn't write them down, and I've forgotten most of them. But I'm hoping they'll come back next time I listen. Also? Even if they don't, it's OK. Because I still remember how it felt when I had them and that feeling is still here. It's like waking up. The good kind, with the sleepy slow smile, and the luxurious stretch, and the feeling that you really rested, and the knowledge of a good day ahead. That's how my brain feels right now. Probably doesn't help that I was exercising at the time...go go endorphins!

I'm a little bit manic at the moment, I'm going to take a shower and get centered. Equanimity is the word of the day.

Flow.

I went to a women's circle a couple of weeks ago. It's the beginning of the year, so we did vision boards and a meditation on where we see our lives going in the next span of time.

Among other things like working on the garden and doing Shiva Nata, the word that came to me was Flow.

And I was kind of surprised, because I always thought of myself as being rather a go-with-the-flow kind of person already. But when I was describing it to the others later, the image I used was of feeling the flow pass me by rather than interacting with it or even floating along with it. Like a leaf stuck behind a rock in the stream. I could feel it passing beneath me, so I always felt like I was in it, and in a way I am. But not actively. Not with intention.

So. That's what I'm going to work on. Investigating flow, what it looks like to me, what my relationship with it is, what I want that relationship to be.

Incoming brainstorming session.....

Letting go is scary.

Is the rock keeping me safe? Blocking my view of what's ahead?

Am I stuck or clinging? Since it's my image in my head, I imagine they're one and the same.

What exactly is passing me by? Life? Opportunity? People? What is the stream in my vision?

How did I get here?

Am I really a leaf? Can I change the image to be a seed? That has more potential.

What's next?

Floating

When I first read the page about the Floating Playground, I burst into tears. I wanted it so much that I couldn't stand it. Also mixed in there were feelings of not being worthy - or worth it. But I have been dancing with Shiva long enough to recognize that particular pattern. So I came back to it several times over the next few days until I was calm enough to really consider the option, and I found the reasoning/permission/sovereignty that would allow me to skate around that hole in the ice. So I did it. I signed up for it.

One of the pre-requisites is reading this book, and also this one. So I'm doing that. But there is also a series of questions to answer. (Although, in typical Havi fashion, you get to choose which ones you answer, if any, and there are several alternatives and alternative alternatives. She works so hard to make it work for as many people as possible!)

They are called stone-skipping questions, which I take to mean you throw the stone (ask the question) and then watch what happens. I didn't plan, or edit (much...hey, it's me!), or go back and decide to say something different. It's not quite free association or brainstorming, but it's along those lines for me. So I didn't want to overthink or re-think. Anyway, this is a good place to keep my answers.

Here goes.

What do I need right now?

To know that I am welcomed. Loved. Necessary. Interesting. Needed. Irreplaceable. Useful. Full of Awesome. Worth it. WORTH IT.

To shelter my tiny sweet thing.

To have my tiny sweet thing acknowledged. Welcomed. Loved. Necessary.

To justify spending all that money.

To go for a walk.

If I am experiencing fear/anxiety or pain about this, whose is it?

Mine. Possibly his. Or mine about his reaction.

Mother/Wife/Homekeeper me, who worries I'll neglect even more of my current chosen vocation to chase this daydream.

Needy/Lonely me, who thinks I'm doing this just to feel like I'm in on something, and it doesn't matter what it is, and why did I have to pick something that costs so much when there's all these free places online? (Even if they haven't worked so well?)

The me who fears being un-interesting, mediocre, mundane, ho-hum, boring, forgettable.

What's the pattern at play here? And how can I lovingly, creatively and non-violently begin to interrupt it?

Fear of failure is one pattern. And perhaps I can start by remembering that any step forward (even a change in direction) is still a step forward. I can picture a labyrinth, where sometimes you are turning towards the beginning and away from the end, or even backtracking and trying a different way, but your steps are still bringing you closer to solving the puzzle. And you also might pick up a Ludo on the way. The journey is the learning.

There is also a fear of not being worth it. I am sidestepping it at the moment by declaring (very quietly and only to myself) that I'm using last year's Christmas money to pay for half of all the expenses of this. So that I don't feel guilty about spending money that I don't make.

And there is the fear that my husband will resent the expense on something that I didn't at least warn him about. (tiny sweet thing! tiny sweet thing! Can't bring it out to be analyzed yet!)

What would it look like if I entered this voyage as I want to be in it?

I want to know all the way down to my heart and bones that I would be making some lifelong friends.

The me at the front of the V would look something like Kathleen Turner at the end of Romancing the Stone. Centered, confident, and for some reason the long wavy hair that's good for saucy tossing is important. But I want mine to be auburn. Or possibly raven-black.

Or it might be that I want to enter quietly and a little shyly, smiling and observant. That's more me as I am now. Maybe I have to live through the whole movie before I get to be the woman at the end of the movie.

I'd like my desk space to be comfortable and cozy and possibly a little whimsical. I'd like to move it to the dining room too.

It would be nice to feel unconditional support, from someone. Anyone, really.

Is what I'm feeling right now reminding me of something from then? How is now different from then?

The year I came late to summer camp because I was sick, and was welcomed with shrieks of delight and applause. [happy]

After breezing through high school and being valedictorian, getting to college and realizing I wasn't the brightest anymore, not by a long shot. [nice to be normal for once, but a little deflating]

Any parts of me who need safe rooms? How do those rooms look/feel?

I'm sure there are. I'm making a bunch up at the moment, but I don't know who will occupy them yet.

What is my current metaphor for this experience? What would metaphor mouse say?

I'm frightened, so the metaphor that comes to mind is stepping out onto a stage for opening night, not sure if I will fly or bomb, but knowing that my whole life has been leading to this.

What do I already know about fractal flowers?

Everything is related. Everything is a microcosm of the macrocosm. Everything is a reflection of everything else. It's only procrastination if I let it be, if I do it in a not-conscious or fearful or guilty frame of mind.

If I am the fox in the video game, what are my options for dealing with this particular challenge?

I can change my player-character to suit each situation. I can pause the game and take a breather. I can work on smaller side quests and build up the experience points and skills (and superpowers!) to achieve the grand overall quest.

Who are my allies? What are my resources?

My decision to join the Floating Playground is my tiny sweet thing. I haven't told anyone about it really. So no allies out here in the real world. Internally...I don't know. It's one of my stucknesses, I think, that I feel alone in this. But I think my Painted Ladies would understand: we've been metaphor-mousing for 15 years without me ever realizing that's what it was.

Resources: poetry, Havi's blog, trying to do Shiva Nata on a more regular basis, the Zen Habits blog, journaling, the Ladies, possibly my new women's circle

What superpowers do I have? These can be mundane or imaginary or anything you like.

I have the superpower of un-drama. There is almost never any intense drama going on around me (interpersonal or otherwise). Which can be good if I don't want a lot of distractions. :)

I'd like to imagine having the power of spreading light and warmth with my smile or touch.

And I've always wanted to fly.

How can I say hello to this experience?

I can sit up straight in my chair and put my feet flat on the floor. I can take deep breaths. I can clear space and time for it, and ask my family to respect that space and time. I can make a playlist for background music. I can make myself some tea. I can have a ritual phrase that I say whenever I am entering into it. I can wear my loveliest scarf.

Where is the treasure in this experience?

I am searching for the words that fit

Like a key they will slide into my mind and open my heart

So more words can spring forth and fill my whole body

with light and dancing and love and motion and peace

Then will I shine.

Wow. Where did that come from?

What needs to change in my kingdom?

More consciousness, more poetry, more sovereignty, more confidence. I'm editing to add: More flow.