Ulterior motives

So I was contemplating my late night habits this morning, wondering why I keep incurring sleep debt every night.

I'm pretty sure most of the reason is that I spend 14 (or more) hours a day, 7 days a week in continual "Mom" mode. I need a couple hours of down time, after Dajamou and the Bean are in bed, before I go to sleep and start the cycle over again. At least, I feel like I need it. A desire to shift gears for a while.

I've given myself the talk about sleep debt, and about morning beginning at night, and about rest making me a better parent. But it doesn't seem to matter. Almost every night I stay up late.

So this morning I was giving myself the talk again. Because I do that. *sigh, patterns*

And a new thought came up: Am I in some way trying to punish the dajadaddy for working such long hours?

I'm pretty sure the answer is no. But it's an interesting thought to just come popping in. I'm going to contemplate it for a while and make sure that I'm not letting some hidden resentment drive my choices. Not that un-hidden resentment is much better, but it's easier to address when I know about it.

I can even see some good coming of this: my thoughts are skipping out of the usual ruts, even if it's for a second. I'm starting to think in new ways about my relationship with parenting and sleep and "me time."