dajamou

Where's the village?

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Yet more evidence that I don't live in TV Land.

About 6 months ago, I discovered/decided/self-diagnosed that I am suffering from mild to moderate depression. However, instead of immediately getting help, I did what I usually do: I read about it a lot. And I waited for that moment you always see in TV shows and movies about people in various kinds of mental/emotional trouble: that epiphany, that rock-bottom moment when the character sets her jaw, squares her shoulders, and sets out on a new and (at least it's implied) healthier path in life.

It hasn't come for me. Or maybe it has, and I've just set my jaw, squared my shoulders, and looked for more books and articles to read.

The past week has been kind of a bad one. The holidays are coming, and I'm really feeling the lack of my close friends and family back in Portland. My back has been bothering me, and I'm not sleeping well. I've also been staying up too late, trying to put off that period of time after I lie down and before I fall asleep when my own personal mental Chinese Water Torture starts up.

Drip.
Didn't run the dishwasher.
Drip.
Didn't send the package to my sister. Again.
Drip.
Really need to get some exercise.
Drip.
Carpets need to be shampooed.
Drip.
Decorations from dajamou's birthday party 2 weeks ago are still up.
Drip.
Half the food in the fridge is spoiling and going to waste.
Drip.
I haven't had a libido in months.
Drip.
Why am I always the one to suggest getting play dates? Why doesn't anyone email me?
Drip.
I miss Portland.
Drip.
Still need to find an eye doctor.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.

To be fair, I haven't completely sunk into a hole of self-pitying helplessness. I'm seeing a chiropractor about my back, I have an appointment with a doctor who (I'm told) will take a more naturopathic approach to my health, including my depression. I'm trying, honestly I am, to avoid chocolate, which appears to be a crankiness trigger for me. I'm seeking out more social situations, because they alleviate (or at least suppress) the bleakness for a while.

But (it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to) why do these improvements happen so freaking slowly? I realize that taking a non-drug approach is just asking for glacial progress. But, holy shit. I am so ready to be happy again, for more than a couple of days at a time.

I should wrap all this up with some message of hope or at least something pithy. But I haven't got a great supply of either hope or pith tonight.

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